Narcissism is flying under the radar academically and societally because it is low profile unlike the high profile life/social disruptors like Anxiety, Depression, Schizophrenia and Trauma or even lower profile disorders like Sexual Dysfunction. It is no less damaging to the mental health of individuals than some of the higher profiles, but the contagion is probably even greater than those.
In fact, the damage caused by Narcissists also flies under the radar, yet the consequences for those in relationships, in particular offspring, is profound and lifelong. Of those affected by Narcissists and their behaviour, many turn to counselling to seek support and recovery from low self-worth, low self-esteem, no sense of self and a lack of identity, a sense of shame and not being good enough, anxiety, the anguish and sense of insanity from their experience of gaslighting. The list goes on and is not exhaustive.
Offspring become the main source of supply for narcissist’s needs as well as the main source of target practice for narcissistic parents to hone their “Treble D Skills” which are the hallmarks of a thoroughbred Narcissist:-
They -
- Demean
- Devalue
- Destroy
Narcissists want positive feedback about themselves, and they actively manipulate others, either overtly or covertly, to solicit or coerce admiration from them. Their reactions will be extremely positive or negative when they succeed or fail to receive confirmations of others high regard of them.
Offspring will be hollowed out so they have no sense of self but must be subservient at all times to the needs of their narcissistic parent/s - for them they know first hand what it is like to have “emotional vampires” as they are sometimes referred to, as parents.
Thanks to a leader on the world stage, the word “Narcissist” has increased in profile and is being heard more, but what is a Narcissist? What do they do? How do you know if anyone in your life (friends, family members, work colleagues, spouse) is a Narcissist? How might they be affecting our lives if they are part of it?
What is the origin of Narcissism?
The term Narcissist originated from a mythological Greek character named Narcissus (so handsome he was described as beautiful; rejected all who fell in love with him; after the last rejection he was cursed; saw his reflection in a pool and was stunned by his own beauty, fell deeply in love with the reflection unaware he was admiring himself - consumed and unable to look away, he pined away & died!)
What do we make of this? So, in a nutshell, complete self-absorption. Focus on self only. Oblivious of anyone else or their needs.
It wasn’t until late 19th & early 20th century that the term Narcissism came about and not until the 1980’s was it a diagnosable mental condition recognised medically - now known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Statistically, only 0.5%-6.2% are diagnosed globally but it is massively under-diagnosed. Why? The answer is quite simple - Narcissists don’t see anything wrong with themselves! No faults! Flawless! So why would they to see a doctor? Right?
Since the 1980’s the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is used to diagnose the disorder where a patient must present with at least five of nine specific traits, but in simple terms and for clarity, it is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
Are Narcissist all the same?
Not all Narcissists are the same - there are 3 major types of Narcissist with 5 sub-types. Whilst they have common traits, they each bring their own toxic specialities. The three major types are:-
- Classic Narcissists
- Covert/Vulnerable Narcissists
- Malignant Narcissists
So what are the differences?
Classic Narcissist
They exhibit an exaggerated sense of self-importance, intensely crave admiration and have a profound lack of empathy. They have a deep sense of entitlement expecting automatic compliance with their expectations. They are usually arrogant looking down on anyone they deem unimportant and ruthlessly take advantage of others to boost their ego, selfish goals and social status.
Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist
Usually shy and introverted they are deeply self-centred and need excessive admiration. Not loud or boastful like the Classic Narcissist. They hide behind a victim mentality where they claim to be the victim of circumstance and manipulate to avoid accountability. They are masters at Passive Aggressive behaviour, defensive and blame shifting and therefore Gaslighting. They lack genuine empathy and compassion - everything is transactional.
Malignant Narcissist
This is the worst of all types on the extreme end of all traits - obsessional superiority, constant demand for admiration. Pathological liars, never remorseful, and a complete disregard for feelings of others as well as rights and safety. Their paranoia harbours unfounded beliefs others seek to destroy or plot against them, and they are highly manipulative. They have a sadistic tendency enjoying the suffering if others. They are at ease intentionally humiliating others and enjoy causing emotional harm, and sometimes physical harm, to others so that they feel powerful.
To the outside world, the Classic and the Malignant Narcissist types are readily identifiable, but the Covert Narcissist less so. Hiding behind the shy introvert demeanour, they present a picture to the outside world a perfect family image - well presented, children well dressed, well mannered, polite. Pillars of the community. Behind closed doors however, a very different picture emerges.
This image has been described as “a shiny red apple with a worm inside” and refers to the memoir by Christina Crawford one of the children adopted by a famous Hollywood actress that tells her story of the abuse she suffered behind closed doors by the actress and which was ultimately turned into a film called Mommie Dearest.
In future articles I will discuss Narcissistic mothers, their traits and impact on children, Narcissistic fathers, and couples where one is a Narcissist and how therapy can help in the journey of recovery.